This blog started as a record of my new adventures, namely Crossfit. I plan on recording many more adventures here, but for now I need this space for another purpose. I understand if this is not what you signed up to hear about, so don’t feel bad about not following what I write anymore. This is a space that I need to use for my grieving process. I can’t tell you how long it will be like this, only that I will use it as I need – without apologies.
It’s been awhile since I last wrote, as you can imagine it’s been a very difficult time for us. To be honest, I didn’t want to write, as it would send my last letter to the archives of my blog… a place I consider the past. A place I wasn’t ready to go.
Just when I think I’m going to be ok, I notice the little things.
That spot he loved at the foot of our bed, a quick glance in the backyard can bring back so many memories of enjoying the snow, gardening adventures and playing soccer. I imagine we’ll be finding his fur in places for years to come, just one of the joys of having a long haired dog.
It snowed today and we couldn’t stop talking about how much he would have loved it.
We both take solace in the fact that we did the right thing, but going forward from this place seems difficult when we are surrounded by memories of Newton. It helps to write to him, so I will.
It was the first night back at the house without you. Your dad will be here for a week before he goes back, I will be here for awhile. Everything reminds us of you, both a constant indication of how deeply entrenched you were in our lives, and a depressing reminder of what we both miss terribly.
We got the call today, that you are ready to be picked up. We’re also going to be selfish and keep part of you with us, wherever we go. We also plan on sharing you with the places we know you loved most. We will be going to St. Mary’s point to give you a remembrance ceremony you deserved, to celebrate all the wonderful memories we had with you there as we scatter your ashes.
Newton, I think of you every day, even when I was at your grandparents place for the last week – healing. It’s an odd feeling to only be responsible for myself and come and go as I please. It’s odder still, since it was a feeling that was not wanted. I want you to know about all the people that miss you. Tears have been shed, messages have been relayed – all for you. You played a great role in many people’s lives and should know you touched so many.
I am being extra careful to pay more attention to your furry brothers. As I promised in my last letter, I give them the love and affection I know you send their way (Yes, even Frankie).
Frankie and Stewart do miss you. It was different being at your grandparents home, as there were other distractions. As we arrived at our house last night, they searched for you. Frankie sleeps on your bed every afternoon, I like to think it comforts him.
Stewart understands, but I catch him still looking at your spots every now and again – “Just in case”.
Oh, the girlies miss you. Your cousins ran into the house when they arrived, saw me, and searched for you. They were uneasy without you all week. It wasn’t the same. Penny and Kacey send so much love your way. I gave them lots of hugs, kisses and thought of you as we all raced through the fresh snow in the backyard last week.
There was a kitten at home named Louie at home, you would have loved him despite his timidness (or some people thought hatred) towards dogs. At 5 months old, he would have loved to attack your tail as it swept tables, you would have patiently waited for him to stop.
Your uncle Alex knew I needed a distraction and “Lulu” became it. For the last week, I helped socialize him from a wild child to the calm and chill kitten I knew he could become. He still doesn’t like dogs, I couldn’t have overcame that obstacle without you there. I think Lulu knew I needed him more then he needed me. Although the pain and aching is still so deep, he helped me realize a part I didn’t completely know. I still have room to love others. I thought you would leave me with nothing left to share. I don’t want to move on, please don’t see it that way. I want to move forward and continue your legacy, I need to be around more animals. More importantly, animals that might need a little bit extra TLC.
We aren’t ready to bring another one in permanently, but I have registered to be a dog walker at the SPCA today. I think you’d like that. You loved other dogs, even the damaged ones, even the ones that wanted to rip you to shreds. Through the things you taught me, I plan on sharing with them: To be kind, gentle, loving and patient. This is by no means to replace you. Instead I see it as a way of continuing on with you, to practice all the wonderful things you taught me.
I still think of you every night and cry when I need to. Your life deserves to be celebrated as well as mourned. I’ve been angry, been in stages of disbelief, stages of numbness and now I’m mostly just sad.
I take time to picture you running across fields full of tall grass and meeting our other furry friends that have passed over the rainbow bridge, Meadow, Cheeko, Janey, Magic and Felicity. I love to think of you in our happiest moments.
I hope you can hear my thoughts and are able to continue to visit me in my dreams, as I look forward to those visits. I miss you.